By Lauren Alley

I find the paradox of my life somewhat comical when I take the time to reflect on it. This big game of trust. I acknowledge God as being all powerful and yet on the other side of that

I tend to hold on to everything, to have some sort of control.  

I think a lot of times, if I am being honest here, I find myself saying that I trust the Lord only in the hopes that if I say it, at some point I will fully buy into it.

“I truly trust the Lord that He has me where He wants me”
“I truly trust that the Lord knows what I am doing next”
“Jesus I really do trust that You will take care of these big events in my life”

See! There, I said it and yet I know at the end of today I will probably lay in my bed and wonder exactly what I’m doing or where I am going or why exactly the Lord cannot go ahead and let me know what’s coming next.

Sometimes I hope Jesus doesn’t notice that I’m not all the way in.

As if this is not stressful enough, I start to stress out about how weak I am for not just being able to trust that Jesus has things under control. I teach theology for heavens sake, you think I would be able to just trust. So now I am not only trying to talk myself into completely trusting but

I’m upset with myself for it.

Here’s my weakness: thinking that the Holy Spirit is not capable of working with my hesitant trust. I’m so busy trying to have some sort of angelic confidence in the Lord that I miss the ways the Spirit is begging me to give the little I have so he can make something out of it.

Today's scripture reads, “He will guide you to all truth.”

But I tend to read it like this: “Go ahead and let Him know when you have it all figured out so He can give you a pat on the back” or even better, “He might guide if you manage to have enough trust in Him.”

It has been 23 years of never knowing what is next and the Holy Spirit has yet to fail me.

Every mess, every victory, moment of joy, confusion, meltdown, and triumph

has always worked for the good of the Lord, especially in moments I failed to recognize it. We are pilgrims on a journey that the Lord has planned from the beginning and who am I to assume my shortcomings will get in the way of Him getting me Home?

I’m weak. I’m well aware of this reality.

But I am also beautifully confident in the fact that there is something far better for me than my weaknesses. So today I will rejoice in my hesitant trust knowing full well that because of it, the Lord is sending His most treasured gift: The Spirit.



Lauren Alley is your average, everyday pilgrim dreamer. Originally from the Great Pac Northwest she made her way to Ohio to attend Franciscan University of Steubenville in hopes of studying Theology and Catechetics. Now a recent graduate, she is teaching freshmen and sophomore theology in Mobile, Alabama. A dedicated believer that Beauty will in fact change the world, she spends much of her time seeking beauty in the ordinary trenches of day to day life. This tends to include camping, drinking good coffee, and when given the chance pulling out her long board.

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